Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Room with a view.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
no one likes gloating
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.