My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds