[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I know this now 😂
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date