Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
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shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
My first child will be named New Folder.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
where the womens at?
Sex so good you see dead people.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.