I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
He’s dead
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.