“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Oh no
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day