I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Miscakes
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.