Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
crying
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.