[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
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I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.