Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
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For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
When they try to steal your moment.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The first one, obviously
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.