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Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
He took my last fry, your honor
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I feel it
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping