I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD