Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
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Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.