Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
lmfao
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that