<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
True
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.