My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
congratulations to them
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.