*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
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Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
…..pretty much.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.