Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
See..?
.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
#Caturday
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}