Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon