I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.