*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
B
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?