Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
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I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.