Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
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My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes