Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
You Might Also Like
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.