The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
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[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Think I pulled my liver
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair