Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Did I do this right
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
peep davidson
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.