There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
You Might Also Like
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.