My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.