carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
You Might Also Like
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
the saddest jazz hands ever
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach