Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
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I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.