*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
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You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
he was correct
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.