Fight fire with water. Idiots.
You Might Also Like
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Someone just threatened to call me later
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.