Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
A short story of betrayal:
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.