Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
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Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
What kind of a cult is this?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!