[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.