“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Thank you corporation very cool
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”