If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
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Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
you stereotypes are all alike
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.