Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?