i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
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Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Every haunted house movie:
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.