I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
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No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE