BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
You Might Also Like
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”