College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
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With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office