[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Sunday
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.