Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again