Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked