A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
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#parenting
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments