(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
You Might Also Like
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Lol.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral