You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?