I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
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I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!