“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”